


to have & hold

by n7punk



Series: Outside of the War - She-ra canon stories [17]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, Colorblind Catra (She-Ra), Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Kink Negotiation, Post-Canon, Power Bottom Catra (She-Ra), Praise Kink, Safewords, Service Top Adora (She-Ra), Smut, This is just Catra convincing Adora it's okay to top her that's it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:01:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25810030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n7punk/pseuds/n7punk
Summary: Adora has wanted Catra for a very long time – acting on those wants, accepting them as okay, is a challenge all its own. Catra makes it easier for her.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Outside of the War - She-ra canon stories [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1793227
Comments: 13
Kudos: 321





	to have & hold

**Author's Note:**

> This references a lot of my other fics in this series but it can be stand alone, even if it mentions events from them. I tried to summarize casually where necessary. I’ll link all the other fics mentioned in this one in the end note, although one is also linked directly in the story below too because it just makes sense that way.  
> This is kind of a companion piece to [“the other half of you (exposure therapy)”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498135) covering Adora’s journey. That fic was about Catra learning to let herself be loved – this is about Adora learning to let herself want. The first scene references that fic.

They are laying in their bed - the new, proper Bright Moon-style one Catra had insisted on, that actually has room for both of them and Melog. The warm glow of the sunset is just beginning to fade into the evening. Catra has sent Melog somewhere indistinctly away, draping herself across Adora’s chest and kissing her happily, slowly. In the few days since the end of the war, whenever she and Catra have had a quiet evening or morning alone together like this in their room, Melog has wandered off. Adora does not question it. She does not particularly want them to just watch them either, even if all they are doing is kissing.

Adora’s hands are on Catra’s waist, one of her favourite places for them to be. It feels so intimate, despite everything they have shared, to touch her like this so casually. Catra’s tail is wrapped around her leg, a fact she keeps having to force herself to forget. Whenever she remembers it, she feels her face flush.

Catra trails her hands down Adora’s arms, humming appreciatively as she feels along them and squeezes. Adora does her best to ignore the way that makes her flush, sliding one hand up to bury it in Catra’s hair, tugging lightly so she can change the angle of the kiss. Catra stutters a moan against her lips and Adora feels her breath catch, gut clenching just a little. She tightens her hand, experimentally, pulling lightly at Catra’s hair, and is rewarded with the sound again. This time she kisses Catra properly as she makes it, swallowing it down thankfully.

“Adora,” Catra breathes against her lips, wriggling a bit above her to press closer. The heat in Adora’s gut flares again. She does her best to push it down, but it is hard with Catra pressed against her like this. She wants– she doesn’t know what she wants, actually. To flip them, press Catra into the sheets and kiss her breathless, but she is not sure Catra would want her to do that. It might be too much, this soon. She wants to touch Catra, hands on her skin, but-

She realizes what she wants, more than anything, is to know what _Catra_ wants. To give it to her.

Adora pulls back from the kiss, letting herself just drink in the sight of her girlfriend for a moment. Catra’s eyes are closed, her face lightly flushed, expression open and relaxed. At least until she realizes Adora has pulled back. She opens her eyes, brows drawing together in confusion. Adora runs her hands up along Catra’s back, drinking in how the affection instantly soothes the tension that was beginning to gather in her girlfriend.

“Can I ask you something?” Adora questions, sliding the hand on Catra’s back up and around to cup her cheek. Catra bites her lip nervously, but she nods and nudges into the touch. “I- Okay, I just thought about doing something, but I wasn’t sure if it would be too much, so – I want to know what you would like, right now?” she asks, rambling just a bit as she hazards scratching lightly at the spot beneath Catra’s jaw that she likes. A small noise, half-between a purr and a trill, echoes between them at the touch as Catra blinks at her. Adora’s heart clenches painfully at the sound.

“That could not have been vaguer if you tried, Adora,” Catra chastises, rolling her eyes, but she presses into the touch and returns Adora’s gaze. Her expression softens a bit. “What did you want to do?” she asks. Adora draws in a breath.

They are going slow. Well, slow for them, with twenty years of longing and desire built up between them. Catra had asked Adora to give her time, and space sometimes, on that second day. Adora had kissed her as She-ra, had poured her love out to her, and Catra - nearly had a panic attack. She had made it clear she liked it, wanted it, but that _having_ love so suddenly was a bit of a struggle for her right now. Adora took that conversation to mean they should ease into things. She was more than happy to do so, to establish each individual component as _good_ and _safe_ before they put everything together into something more.

She thinks this is not crossing a line. Should not be, at least. That is why she has to ask, first. “I thought about flipping you – Flipping us, I guess. Kind of pressing you into the mattress with kisses,” Adora tells her, still softly scratching. A proper purr rumbles between them, Catra’s eyes dancing with amusement.

“Yes, Adora, I would like that,” Catra tells her, voice soft, a little raspy. Adora does not need to be told twice. The eager look lighting up her face makes Catra laugh, lightly, but Adora is undeterred. She slides her hands to Catra’s back, flexing her grip on Catra to give her a moment to prepare – a moment to change her mind, if she needs to - before flipping them over. Catra settles back into the sheets, purr still rolling between them as she stretches out, just a little bit, in the warm spot Adora left.

Adora takes a second to read her expression, still amused, but mostly content, before she leans in to kiss her until she is gasping and breathless.

\--

They are laying together again, in their bed at night but sleep not really on their minds. Catra is topless beneath her, this time. She seems perfectly content to be beneath her – seems to _prefer_ to be there.

“I like how it makes your muscles flex. Don’t let it go to your head, princess,” Catra tells her, amusement rolling through her voice at Adora’s nervous question. Adora throws her a smirk anyway, and Catra rolls her eyes, leaning forward to kiss the smug expression off her face. The fact that Catra trusts her like this still gets to her every time, and she presses in gladly.

When they pull apart, Adora looks down at Catra, splayed out and vulnerable beneath her hands, short curls falling back on the pillow, bare chest arching into her touch, and she recovers a distant memory. Curled up in a hidden corner of the Fright Zone that Catra had told her about, exploring her own body for the first time. Her mind had wandered, unbidden, to thoughts of her best friend who had told her about this, how to do it, imagining Catra laying out beneath her just like she is now. Back then, Adora had to tear her hands away from herself in guilt, sure Catra would not want her thinking of her that way.

Now, she cannot stop herself from staring down at her girlfriend in wonder. She watches the way her reverent gaze makes Catra’s cheeks heat, huffing slightly as she quickly looks away, the open affection too much for her to take. “What?” she demands, but the embarrassment and fondness in her voice cuts any real bite to the question. Adora finds all she can do is shake her head and smile, leaning in to kiss Catra again.

“Nothing, I just- It kind of hit me that this was my first – uh – real fantasy, years ago. Having you here like this. And now it’s real,” Adora tells her, feeling her own flush as she ducks down to press kisses against Catra’s throat so she does not have to see her reaction to that. It is not exactly the same as she pictured, they are not ready to go that far yet, but Catra is still beneath her, happy and content, as she sweeps her hands over the pair of tits that has haunted her since puberty. It is close enough.

They have not talked about sex – not explicitly at least. They alluded to it, with phrases like _when it feels right_ and _I’ve always wanted you_ – but it does not feel like they need to say more, yet. They both seem to know when to push a boundary forward and when to wait. And if not, Catra has been more than willing to lay down lines, already. Catra has seemed to enjoy everything they have done, but that does not mean Adora is not terrified of being _too much_ when she barely feels in control herself, sometimes, thinking about this. Besides, it has not even been two weeks. Unlike the quick tumbles in closets in the Horde, in Bright Moon relationships tend to happen first, and sex after.

They are not from Bright Moon, though, so Catra lets out an inquisitive trill that makes Adora’s hand on her waist tighten protectively. It is a sound she wants to hear from her partner as often as possible – one of the sounds she once thought she had lost to the war. “When did you have this fantasy?” Catra asks, a little amused, a little breathless. She tilts her head back, giving Adora better access to her neck. As Adora presses another kiss there, Catra sighs contentedly – a sigh straight out of Adora’s dreams.

“When you, uh-“ Adora cuts herself off, blush blazing furiously on her face. She feels Catra glance down, but she does not look up to meet her gaze, staring steadfastly at the side of her neck. She knows that Catra can see the way the flush spills down her bare shoulders.

“Now you _have_ to share, princess,” Catra tells her, arms moving to drape over her shoulders. She bends one arm up to grab at Adora’s hair, let down from her signature ponytail for bed, and _yanks_. Adora stutters out a moan at the sensation, head bending back with the demand to meet Catra’s eyes. Adora is sure she must be approaching the same shade as that jacket of hers that Catra loathes so much. She stares back at Catra, wide-eyed, as Catra’s hand in her hair tightens, causing another moan to tumble forward from her. An amused smirk dances across Catra’s lips, a fang just peeking out from the corner of her smile. Adora _stares_. “Well?” Catra prompts, expression landing somewhere between amusement and curious intrigue. She does not seem to mind Adora’s embarrassing sounds.

Adora cannot tear her gaze away from the dancing spark in Catra’s eyes. “When- when you told me about your corner. In the Fright Zone. And how to - take care of myself. I couldn’t keep my mind off you the whole time,” Adora confesses, wanting desperately to look away but totally unable. It is Catra’s turn to flush, the grip in Adora’s hair spasming a bit. Her ears plaster to the sides of her head in embarrassment. Adora – completely panics.

“I felt like such shit about it. I- I had to stop. I lied when you asked me about it afterwards because I couldn’t tell you _why_ I couldn’t finish,” Adora tells her, assures her, hopes she has not crossed a line. Actually, knows she has, but hopes she can assure Catra that she knew it even at the time. She hopes that is enough. She should have kept her mouth shut, but – Catra deserves to know, also.

Catra drops her head back against the pillow, eyes falling closed. “ _Adora_ ,” she groans, just above a growl, and Adora feels heat pool low in her stomach. She could get _used_ to Catra saying her name like that. It might be the only thing she ever thinks about again, actually.

“I’m sorry?” Adora tries, because she thought Catra did not want to hear the first confession, but this second reaction seems to contradict that. Catra laughs, a low rumble that echoes through where their chests are pressed together and makes Adora’s ribs vibrate.

“Adora,” Catra repeats, a bit breathlessly this time, as she lifts her head to make eye contact with Adora again. Her eyes are alive with the light of hunger and amusement. “I told you about my corner – I _asked_ you about if you finished afterwards, because I was hoping you would tell me _no_. That you needed a _hands-on_ demonstration,” Catra tells her, smile curling on the edge of her lip.

All the air promptly leaves Adora as she _stares_. Catra purrs, just a little, in amusement at the dumbstruck expression on her face. She leans forward, nuzzling against her face and dragging her cheek along Adora’s jaw as Adora attempts to restart her brain.

“We’re idiots,” Adora finally manages. Catra laughs, pressing a light kiss along her jaw.

“Yeah,” she agrees, settling back against the pillows for a moment. Adora catches the amused sparkle in her eyes before she is leaning forward again. “It was a stupid hope. I knew you wouldn’t – thought you _couldn’t_ want that, anyway, but - when I was there the day before, it was all I could think about. I thought, even if you _got there_ without me, maybe you would think of me, since I told you how to do it,” Catra admits, still busily scent-marking the bottom of Adora’s face. Adora turns her head to capture Catra’s mouth in a kiss, because right now she feels like she is going to suffocate if she does not breathe her air.

“I did. I thought about you. I- I freaked myself out, not even because I was thinking about you, but because I was imagining you laying there, underneath me while I was touching you like this,” Adora confesses. Catra pulls back, brow wrinkling as she searches her gaze.

“That’s how we are right now. Why did that scare you?” Catra asks, stroking one hand along her back soothingly. Adora flushes, glancing away.

“… I didn’t understand the way I felt then like I do now. I thought, me being on top, it felt like I would be taking power from you. And enough people had done that to you. You didn’t need me to be one, even in my head,” Adora explains, voice quiet. She waits, staring determinedly at a random point across the room. She does not even know what she is looking at.

“ _Adora_ , holy shit,” Catra breathes, her voice tinging with awe. Adora cannot keep her gaze away, not when Catra sounds like that. When she meets her eyes, Catra is staring up at her like she is an _epiphany_. Adora feels herself flush, unsure what to do under the sudden attention. “You… you really love me, huh?” Catra breathes, and she sounds like she is just realizing it all over again.

Adora relaxes some, leaning down to press a kiss to Catra’s forehead. “Yeah, dummy, I do,” Adora assures her. A happy purr rumbles between them.

\--

Adora is having an internal battle. Catra noticed – several minutes ago, she thinks. That is about when she pulled away from the kiss and shifted down on the bed, nuzzling into Adora’s pulse point instead. She is waiting, Adora realizes almost immediately.

It makes something warm bloom in Adora’s chest, almost enough to drown the anxious energy in her chest. She raises her hand, burying it in Catra’s hair as a sign of understanding. She _wants_ to go back to kissing Catra, but Catra pulled away, so she is not going to try anything until she has done what Catra wants – which is to say, work out her own head.

She has been working on that for twenty years. It might take a few more.

Catra sighs against her neck, apparently done waiting. “Adora,” she prompts, softly, reaching a hand up to cup Adora’s cheek. She shifts back up to lay her head on the pillow beside Adora, narrowing her eyes at her. “Talk,” she orders. Adora suppresses a shiver at the hard line in her voice. Even when they were on opposite sides of enemy lines that tone did things to her.

“I want to ask something, but I don’t want you to think I am- implying, or presuming, anything more than - what I _am_ asking,” Adora explains, darting her gaze away nervously. “So I am trying to figure out a way to say it that does not sound like- well, like it is what it is. Because it _isn’t_ that, but-“

The hand on her cheek has claws out, now, gently pricking against her skin, and Adora’s entire train of thought ceases to exist. She stares at Catra, acutely aware of the five points of pressure against her and the blush suddenly rising on her face as Catra smirks, satisfied.

“What do you want, Adora?” she asks. A question she asks a lot, it turns out. A question Adora is still getting used to being able to _answer_. But this answer is for Catra, actually, so-

“I want safe words,” Adora blurts out, blush spreading across her cheeks. She sees Catra flush _immediately_ and scrambles. “I’m not- I’m not saying we are going to-“ she stops, sighing, because this is exactly what she was trying to avoid. “I want you to know that you can say something and no matter what we are doing, it stops. Even just kissing,” Adora scrambles out, because yeah, they have _implied_ more, but that really is not where she is going with this. She does not even want to approach that topic until they have talked about _this_.

The ear Catra is not laying on twitches as she continues to stare at her. The corner of her mouth is still curled up from her earlier smirk, and her flush is still in place, if dulled. Adora does not know what that means.

“Keep going,” Catra instructs. Adora holds her breath, because she does not have anywhere else _to_ go. That was about as far as she got before getting stuck in her internal battle. She is flying blind, which certainly is not _new_ , but she prefers not to do it with stuff this important. With Catra, specifically.

“I– Okay, I know the Horde didn’t exactly teach us about _this_ , but I’ve done research since I came to Bright Moon,” Adora explains, feeling herself blush at the outright _amusement_ dancing in Catra’s eyes at that statement, “I just want you to know you are safe and you can stop this, whenever you need to. Whenever you need space. I know I’m - a lot, and I don’t want to accidentally hurt you,” Adora stumbles forward, trying her best and probably _failing_. She _knows_ Catra likes it when she is on top, when she takes care of her, even when she holds her down, a bit. It has all happened while they kissed in the last two weeks, and Catra has enjoyed herself. She also knows Catra likes it only as long as she feels in control, safe. “That is what it is about. Making sure you have control, even when you… don’t,” she continues, from her thoughts this time.

But Catra knows her, and Catra understands her, regardless. Her split gaze is searching, but there is a crinkle in the corner of her shining eyes and a downright fond smile on her lips now.

“I know what they are, Adora. You're not the only one who was curious about _more_ ," Catra assures her, rolling her eyes but sounding amused. "What did you have in mind?” she asks, pressing closer, and Adora realizes there is a low purr rumbling through her as she presses their chests together. They are both fully dressed – they were just lazily kissing before going down to breakfast – but the vibrations still roll through Adora’s whole body, making her shiver a little as she wraps her arms around Catra.

“I mean, I guess ‘Stop’ and ‘Slow’ work fine, but – safe words are also kind of more than that. They are kind of like a pact? And I want that pact with you. That I take care of you,” Adora manages. She draws in a breath, holding it, waiting. Catra purrs, a low rumble, as she nuzzles against her for a moment. She ends the nuzzle by tilting her head, finally sealing their mouths together in a kiss again.

“Red,” she hums as she pulls back. Adora blinks back at her.

“What?” she manages. She watches Catra roll her eyes, ignores the way the gesture combined with her fond smirk makes her heart clench painfully.

“Red, for stop. Hm, and pink for a slow. Blue for go,” Catra tells her, leaning forward to press a simple, chaste kiss to her lips. "And Adora? You don't take care of me. We take care of each other," Catra reminds her, rolling her eyes a bit. A burst of warmth flares in Adora's chest.

Despite how nervous Adora was about bringing this up, the choice of colours makes her laugh. Adora presses in for a proper kiss this time.

"Right. Each other," she agrees.

\--

Adora is _frustrated_ in a way she has not felt since during the war. Her body is, at least. Mentally, she has been having a fantastic day, and that is kind of the problem. She spent almost the whole day with Catra, between working together on the post-war reconstruction committee and then getting most of the evening off. They had spent a rather ludicrous amount of time just making out in the castle gardens, but things had started to get _heated_ between them, and they needed a way to blow off steam. That was how they found themselves in the gym together.

It was a terrible idea, it turns out. Watching Catra move like that, work her body as she exercised – it certainly did not help with the building heat. And as much as Adora wanted her, she also did not want their first time to be about _want_. She might not be ashamed of it anymore, but she _needs_ their first time to be about love. Regardless of even that, she wants it to just feel right, and she does not feel like _she_ is right, not in this moment.

When they get back to their room, Adora excuses herself to take a shower. She tries to turn it cold, to flush out her body’s reaction, but it does not work. The stirring in her gut will not be deterred knowing Catra is laid out on their bed, only feet away, still flushed from exertion.

Adora turns the water warm, again. She can’t – she doesn’t want to touch Catra, actually, not when she is like this. Adora knows the way she thinks, the way she wants most of the time is what Catra actually deserves. This is not one of those times. This is hot, demanding, something she thinks Catra would be interested in, but it is not for the first time.

She gives up on her internal war. She does not want to touch Catra like this, but she has another option. She releases a sigh, letting her hands drift down to touch herself. Take care of things, move on, treat Catra like she actually deserves when the time is right.

It is not hard for her to imagine Catra, not now, when she knows Catra wants it just as much as she does. Not when she knows what Catra’s sighs of pleasure and contentment actually sound like when she leaves blossoming marks across her chest. Not now they have discussed both of them being comfortable in any _position_ , even if they didn’t detail what that meant, after Adora had a small freak-out about how roughly she had pushed Catra down while kissing her. Catra, for her part, had arched up into the touch and moaned, but it still made Adora uneasy, unsure if she was going too far, being too much, _wanting_ too much.

In her head, Catra is with her in the shower. Adora always had indistinct thoughts of slipping up behind Catra in the communal showers, back in the Horde, finally getting to touch her beneath the spray. It felt almost allowed, when they were already there together, naked. She had forced the images down as quickly as they came, never letting them develop out of shame. Now, in the safety of their private Bright Moon shower, she lets herself go through with it. Catra is under the spray, Adora behind her, feeling along her body and humming with contentment at the satisfied purr that earns her from Imaginary Catra.

Her purrs have become a lot more common in the last three weeks. Adora still remembers a low, constant rumble she had heard from a sixteen-year-old Catra as she told her about a useful, hidden corner in the Fright Zone; that purr has been in her fantasies ever since. She imagines it running directly into her chest as she presses up against her girlfriend’s back, letting her hands wander _down_ to finally meet her.

Her real movements, her hand against herself, are starting to get a bit desperate at the thought of finally getting to touch Catra, knowing she could very easily step out of the shower right now and make it a reality. She ruts forward into her hand, biting down a moan. A sudden knock on the bathroom door startles her, cutting into the imagery. Adora tears her hand away from herself, freezing as the shame floods through her, making her face heat. She swallows down the panic clawing up her throat.

Right, she has kind of been in here ages. Catra probably wants a shower, too. Adora shakes herself, running her hands under the spray for a moment. She dunks her head under one last time, too, trying to clear her thoughts. This was a terrible idea, anyway.

“Adora,” is the amused call from the other side of the door.

“One second!” Adora calls, hoping the rush of running water hides the tell-tale tremble in her voice. She shuts the water off quickly, stepping away from the shower.

“Adora, put on a robe and open the door,” Catra orders, her voice still curling with amusement. Adora flushes, reaching for her robe and pulling it on quickly. She feels shame curling in her stomach, despite the way her body still feels flushed. She barely finishes with the robe’s tie before she crosses to the door and yanks it open, as if hurrying now will hide what she has already done. Ice is still clawing at her throat.

Catra stands in the doorway, weight shifted to one hip, arms crossed and a downright _smug_ smirk on her face. Her tail twitches with her amusement as she surveys Adora. Adora desperately hopes she writes the flush off as being from the hot water.

Then Catra stalks into the room. Adora finds herself taking a few stumbling steps backwards, trying to get out of her way before she ends up leaning back against the counter, gripping the edge of it harshly as Catra saunters forward into her space. She still has that pleased air about her as she lightly places a hand on the counter behind Adora, leaning forward as if to kiss her, but turning her head at the last moment to brush her lips against Adora’s ear.

“I could tell what you were doing from the bed, Adora,” Catra purrs, absolutely destroying all of Adora’s higher thought processes. She- she really should have thought of that. Should have remembered not just her girlfriend, but all her increased senses, too.

“Uh-“ is what Adora manages. Excuses, reasons, _apologies_ all slip through her fingers because Catra is still _right there_ , her breath hot against Adora’s ear. Adora realizes Catra is standing between her spread feet, only an inch or two between their bodies. Her entire body feels hot, a useless pulse running between her legs.

Catra pulls back, an amused sparkle dancing in her eyes as, just as casually as she had strolled in, she walks from the bathroom. As she slips back into the bedroom, she turns slightly to call over her shoulder. “I’m going for a walk,” she hums, casually. Adora catches a flash in her eyes before she disappears from view completely.

“ _Think of me_.”

Oh, she can definitely do that.

Later, when Catra returns to the room, still looking far too pleased, Adora hunches over her desk and ducks her head. Once she had finished, she had quickly pulled out the star chart she was currently working on, hoping to distract herself from her embarrassment. Catra, however, is not about to let her forget. She saunters over, draping herself across Adora’s shoulders as she peers down at her work. She doesn’t give a shit about the constellations and Adora knows it.

“Have fun?” Catra purrs, just a little. It is not _the_ purr, even after all these years Adora knows that, but it still makes her flush as she shifts awkwardly and nods, gaze fixed steadfastly down on her paper. Catra laughs, small and light, amused and not unkind. Adora still feels herself flush deeper. Catra gives up her guise of interest in astronomy and pulls away a bit to look at her properly. Adora knows she must see the look on her face because the purr stops. “Adora, it’s _okay_. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but – I _really_ don’t mind,” Catra tells her. She sounds a little exasperated, but mostly fond.

Adora sighs, shifting back in her chair. Catra drops her arm from where it is draped over her shoulders. Catra watches her pull away, curious and waiting, if a bit nervous now. Adora reaches for her and she easily lets herself be guided around the arm of the chair to be pulled into her lap, straddled across her thighs. Catra's expression softens, body relaxing a bit as she lets herself lean into Adora’s touch. Adora can still feel the embarrassment heating her face, but – she needs to say it. They have not talked about it, not explicitly, but if there was ever an opening then it is now.

“The first time – I want to be about us. About love. That – wasn’t. I just wanted to have you, and I didn’t feel like I could treat you like you deserve, just then,” Adora tells her, staring indistinctly at Catra’s shoulder. It is about at her eye level with Catra sitting over her like this, anyway. She worries at her lip, worries about her phrasing, worries about her desires, but it is _true_ and Catra should know.

Adora feels Catra’s fingers under her chin, tilting her head up to face her. Adora lets her gaze be guided to meet Catra’s. Catra’s face is flushed, an expression bordering _delight_ lighting up her face.

“You - are so sweet, Adora. And I get it, I kind of agree. But you need to know that I _want_ you to want me like that. That is kind of what I’ve wanted _all my life_ , actually - for you to want me,” Catra tells her, voice soft and _happy_.

Adora bites her lip, takes a risk on herself, and leans forward to kiss Catra. A touch desperate, but trying to put into action all the conflicting emotions of _care_ and _love_ and _need_ and _hunger_ fighting within herself. Catra purrs into the kiss. When they pull apart, both of them are panting.

“Yeah,” Catra murmurs, voice soft, “just like that.”

Adora feels a weight lift off her chest, setting her _free_.

\--

When their [first time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340950) does happen a few days later, it is almost straight out of all of golden fantasies Adora had over the years. It is about love, about _them_. It feels right, it feels like it is _already happening_ , so she asks Catra, and Catra says she is ready. Adora props herself over Catra and gets to watch her come apart beneath her hands, hear her as she makes needy noises Adora will never be able to clear from her mind.

\--

This time – is different from the others. It starts with Catra curled in her arms, facing each other as they lay on their sides, Adora sightlessly tracing the lines of Catra’s stripes on her bare back. Catra has taken to sleeping completely topless, mostly because she often ends up removing it so Adora has ample access to pet her. Neither of them are ashamed about their bodies, not really, not with the communal way they grew up. Glimmer was mildly scandalized by it when she walked in on them, but it makes Adora’s chest feel warm and full that Catra is comfortable enough to be vulnerable with her in this way. That she feels safe enough in Bright Moon, in their room, with Adora by her side, to leave herself exposed like this while _asleep_ of all things.

Catra starts a purr in her chest as Adora strokes along her back. It makes Adora tighten her hands on Catra, briefly, to pull her just a little closer. For some reason, the rumbling sound can trigger this _protective_ instinct in her that makes her want to pull her girlfriend close enough to crush her against her chest. She manages to resist it only by pulling Catra close enough to ease off the edge of _want_. She forces herself to merely wrap her arms around Catra’s back, flexing her arms a little to contain the urge to pull her even closer – they can’t _get_ closer. Adora knows this – her body does not.

Over Catra’s shoulder, Adora watches Melog stand from where they were lounging under the stars on the balcony. They shake their shoulders out, mane warbling through the air, and then pad softly to the door, nudging it open and strolling out of the room.

“Did you tell them to do that?” Adora asks, tilting down to kiss the top of Catra’s head. Her hands are still gripping her shoulder blades, _wanting_ , but she manages to bury the instinct beneath her curiosity. Melog always leaves when they start making out, or whenever a stray touch happens to elicit a moan, but they have not even kissed since they laid down. Adora had not questioned it at first, but now – she is curious.

“I don’t tell them to do things. We kind of just- yeah, I guess I asked them to,” Catra mumbles into Adora’s neck. She sounds embarrassed, starting with denial before giving in. Her words send puffs of hot breath against Adora’s skin that make her eyes flutter closed.

“If you didn’t ask, would they just stay?” Adora asks, because she has to focus on _something_ other than this instinct to push Catra down. Catra likes it when Adora is in charge, when Adora is _demanding_ , just as much as when she is the one in control. That much has been clearly established. Catra also has to be in the right mood, and asked Adora to give her space. It is a line she is trying to walk, made only more complicated by the instinct in Adora that tells her it is _wrong_ to want – these things, specifically, but also anything at all.

“Not much longer, hopefully,” Catra mutters. She still sounds embarrassed, but there is an edge of hopefulness there, too. Adora – she _gets_ it, she knows what Catra is implying. She knows Catra can even probably pick up in her scent that Adora is thinking it, too, but-

“So they decide to leave, if you don’t ask first?” Adora asks, desperately clinging to her tenuous control.

“Adora,” Catra orders, really, against her neck. Adora feels her shift, realizes she was trying to pull back but Adora’s grip on her is not _letting_ her. Adora releases Catra hastily, kicking herself mentally as she pulls back to give Catra room. At least, she tries to pull back. Catra’s arm is wrapped around her back still, hand splayed across her shoulder blade, and her _claws_ are out now. Adora feels her breath catch, just enough distance between them for her to meet Catra’s gaze. There is a _heat_ there that makes Adora clench painfully, flush spilling down her chest.

She also looks worried. Her ears are flat to her head – which could mean a lot, actually – but when combined with this expression Adora reads it as _anxiety_. She feels fear and shame claw at her throat.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t realize I was-“ Adora starts to stammer, trying to pull away again, but Catra’s claws dig in to her shoulder again as she tries to move away and Adora stills. Catra wants her right there, despite her fuckup. She will stay there.

Catra narrows her eyes at her. “Adora. Talk to me,” Catra orders. Adora tries to push down on the stupid heat that tone always makes flush through her – she is not very successful. She closes her eyes, tries to summon the courage to admit – well, not the _truth_ , but something close enough to it.

“I- I want you, right now. But it’s – rough. Too much,” Adora manages. It is true, if undetailed. Enough hopefully for Catra to tell her she is not interested and then Adora can stamp down on this feeling in her chest.

“Adora,” Catra says, an implicit request to open her eyes. Adora does, meeting Catra’s gaze head-on and finding it dark, dripping with intent. “I know you hate to say these things, so I’m going to tell you what _I_ think you want, and you can just agree - but if that is not what you want right now, I need you to tell me. You cannot just go with it because it is what I said, do you understand me?” Catra tells her, in a tone not dissimilar to what she used to use to command armies, back with the Horde. Adora shivers a little, eyes falling closed as she starts to nod, but then stops.

She wants to agree - but she knows as soon as Catra says what she thinks Adora wants, Adora will agree because Catra is okay with it, wants it too. And as much as "what Catra wants" seems to have been working for them-

More than whatever Catra desires at the moment, Adora knows Catra needs her to be honest with her, especially with things like this. She shakes her head. “I don’t know if I – can do that,” Adora admits. There is a beat of silence. Then Catra _purrs_. Adora opens her eyes, startled a little bit, to find Catra pleased, a flush on her cheeks as her eyes dance with delight.

“Good girl. Now fuck me how you want to. If I don’t like it, I’ll stop you,” Catra tells her, a smirk dancing across her lips as Adora shudders at her words. Adora lets her hands come up, gripping at Catra’s waist in a poor attempt at restraint. She has to hesitate, eyes searching Catra’s face. She still looks overly-pleased at Adora’s admittance of weakness, her gaze starting to cloud over a little with lust. As Adora looks at her, consciously or unconsciously, Catra tilts her head back, slightly, offering a kiss, her neck, _herself_ , whatever Adora chooses to take.

Adora shivers, grip flexing. “I can’t. Not without knowing that it is okay, first,” she tells her, words coming out in a rush of air. She – she feels like she _needs_ this, but she also knows herself, and all of her _weird hang-ups,_ as Catra calls them. “I need you to want it too. I won’t enjoy it if you don’t, too,” she tells her. It could be progress, coming so close to saying her desires. It could be backsliding, not being able to feel pleasure without giving it to someone else. It is just how she is wired, though. If Catra agreed because she was neutral to it, unbothered by it – then Adora would get nothing from it. She knows it is true now, and she is fairly certain it will always be true, no matter how much therapy they both go through.

Catra’s gaze searches her face. Adora feels herself flexing her grip on her girlfriend, _restraint_ taking a tangible effort. Catra gave her permission already, she just can’t – actually take it.

“I’m _assuming_ it has something to do with your hands,” Catra says, evenly, wriggling a bit as if to point out Adora’s struggle with her grip. Adora releases a shuddering breath as she realizes what Catra is doing. Catra smirks, pulling back from her. With great effort, Adora releases her and watches her lie back on the bed.

“Sex always involves hands,” Adora points out. After a moment’s hesitation, she moves to follow Catra, watching her expression carefully as she settles over her. This is something they have done plenty – she does not need explicit verbal permission to nudge her girlfriend’s legs apart, settling between them as she drapes over her. Catra looks pleased at her minor taking of initiative, arching slightly when Adora’s hands find her waist again.

“Not if you wanted to sit on my face,” Catra says, completely casually, clearly reveling in the surprised shiver that elicits from Adora.

“ _Catra_ ,” is the best response she can manage, grip flexing again.

Catra seems unbothered, amused, _in control_ as she just keeps talking. “Do you want your hands where they are now?” she asks. There is a sparkle in her eye, amused and mischievous. She is turning Adora’s _hang-up_ in to a game, one she is taking far too much pleasure in.

Adora pauses. With difficulty, she pulls her hands off Catra’s waist, propping one of the bed beside her to take her weight as she shifts. She watches Catra’s face as she moves so her free forearm is laid across her hips, no pressure – _yet_ – but merely resting there. Waiting permission. Adora licks her lips as she sees Catra’s eyes flash darkly.

“You wanted to hold me down,” Catra says, not a question. Her voice is _trembling_ now, eager and hungry. It takes all of Adora’s willpower not to press down on her arm, rush forward to claim her lips, press her into the mattress with the weight of her body.

It still is too much to verbally acknowledge it. Adora nods, keeping her gaze locked on the open desire in Catra’s eyes. She can feel the liquid heat between her thighs building at seeing Catra like this, pinned but so in control. “Hm. What else?” Catra hums, barely acknowledging Adora’s request or her steadily fraying control. Adora’s breathing is ragged now, her entire body flushed from the need thrumming through her veins.

Adora is going to lose her _mind_. Here she is, all her muscles tensing from the effort to hold back, knowing full well Catra would let her if she snapped right now – would _like_ it if she did. But she needs that explicit permission, and as much as she feels like she is falling apart in her restraint, Catra’s words are stitching her back together. Adora is not in control of herself, but she doesn’t _have_ to be. As much as she wants to take care of Catra, Catra is taking care of her, too, taking _control_ from her when she cannot be trusted with it herself. 

_What else?_ Adora shifts some of her body weight to her knees, kneeling between Catra's legs, and finally lets some of it settle on the forearm across Catra’s hips. She drinks in the flush that pours down Catra’s shoulders as Adora actually pins her hips down. It lets her take her weight off her other arm, dropping it to grip at the inside of Catra’s thigh. Catra squirms beneath her, not moving much even under Adora’s light pin. It makes her breath catch, makes her press down just a little harder to eagerly drink down the moan that earns from Catra.

Catra had thrown her head back, in the shifting and moaning. Now she drops her chin forward again, looking down at Adora to make eye contact with her again. “Say it, princess,” she orders.

Adora has gotten this far. The part she was nervous about is out there, Catra’s hips flexing up a bit and remaining unmoved beneath her as she waits for Adora’s reply. Adora licks her lips. She doesn’t know why she can’t say this final piece, her warring instincts too much to fight down. All this time, all this progress but she still can't-

“ _Say it_ ,” Catra commands, her voice the harsh bark of a commanding officer. Adora feels herself clench down painfully, the heat too much for her to take, now. After so long repressing them, the words come spilling out at Catra's command.

“I want to hold you down and fuck you. Make you feel good, make you mine until you can’t think of anything else,” Adora breathes, her voice _ragged_ from all this teasing. It might not be the same kind of teasing she uses for Catra, not usually, but Catra can be just as effective against her without having to lay a hand on her.

All the air promptly leaves Catra as her whole body shudders and relaxes, falling back against the pillow. “Good girl,” she praises, a little breathlessly. Adora squirms, heat pooling as she does everything in her power not to rock too much of her body weight down on Catra’s hips, not yet. As much as Catra is forcing Adora to explicitly say it, she is waiting for the same explicit permission from her.

“You can undress me, now, and then we’ll see if I let you,” Catra tells her, tone almost _dismissive_ if it weren’t for the breathiness of it, the smile curling at her lip. Catra's grasp on her control is not as tenuous as Adora's, but she is clearly having to fight for it.

Adora’s restraint breaks with a growl. She pulls back, settling onto her haunches so she can tuck into Catra’s waistband. Catra does not bother to lift her head or even _look_ at her, raising her hips to allow Adora to slide her clothes off. Adora narrows her eyes at her girlfriend, _yanking_ the clothing down harshly and smugly soaking in the gasp that elicits from Catra, breaking through her uncaring exterior as she flushes. Catra fixes her with narrowed eyes as Adora pulls her clothes free of her ankles.

“Strip,” Catra orders, almost in retaliation. Adora smirks at her, reaching down to pull her shirt off in one smooth motion, knowing how it makes her muscles flex, _knowing_ how much that effects Catra. When she tosses the shirt aside, she sees Catra’s eyes still slowly following up the trail of her body, sticking on her chest as her own flush rises higher. Adora was only wearing her sleep top, no bra, and how _attentive_ her body is right now is on full display. Adora does not give Catra time to enjoy it.

Adora raises from the bed to a kneeling position, tucking her thumbs into her own waistband and, in contrast, pulling her shorts and underwear away slowly, making Catra wait for her. Catra watches, _growling_ in frustration as she does so, but unable to tear her gaze away. When she has pushed her clothes down to her knees, Adora presses forward, one hand on the pillow beside Catra’s head to catch her as she uses the other to pull her tangled clothing down and kick it away. She meets Catra’s eyes head-on, only a few inches and no clothes between them. Catra’s gaze is intense, dripping with want, and Adora knows she cannot be much better. Still despite it all, she has to take a moment.

“Safe words?” she prompts, quietly, forcing herself to hover above Catra. Waiting for the final moment of permission before she presses in. A soft smile breaks through the expression of open lust on Catra’s face. Sometimes Adora has to ask, even though she knows they both know them by now. It feels important to check now, with this heavy tension between them.

“Red, pink, blue. Now _fuck me_ ,” Catra says. Adora feels the flood of heat between her legs, the way her gut clenches at the words, and she descends on her girlfriend. She presses down, using her hips to force Catra back into the mattress as she finally kisses Catra for the first time that night, open-mouthed and hungry. Catra rolls her hips up, forcing Adora to press down harder to keep her still. Catra _groans_ into the kiss at that, so clearly it was the right move. It gives Adora confidence, shifting her weight so she has one forearm on the pillow beside Catra’s head, leaving the other free to feel along her body. She squeezes, pressure bordering on aggressive, up her side until she reaches her exposed chest, kneading along it greedily. Catra is flushed, hard beneath her hand as she pinches at her nipple, carefully aware of how sensitive she is there. Catra gasps, arching up _again_ , despite Adora forcing her down last time. Adora does it again, clenching her abdominal muscles to push Catra’s body back down with her own. It makes her girlfriend shiver beneath her. Adora is distantly aware of the way Catra’s claws are twisting in the sheets, quivering with the effort to not _shred_.

Catra is wound so tight from their give-and-take, Adora worries how long she really has to take care of her. She wants to draw this out, now she is letting herself have it – but that would also mean fighting the urge to just let Catra feel good. She is not sure which one she should want to win.

Adora slides down Catra’s body, pressing bruising kisses down the line of her throat as she goes, slowly lining herself up so she can drape her forearm across Catra’s hips again. She presses kisses down her sternum and chest, reveling in how ragged Catra’s breathing is without her even having to touch her. She glances up, seeking a moment of eye contact before she shifts her weight again. Catra holds her gaze, looking down at her in that almost _dismissive_ way she had during the war, though a heat burns behind it. It is not the dismissal that makes Adora clench painfully – it is the way Catra can maintain control, even when pinned beneath her, even so worked up her body is twitching involuntarily.

“Try it, princess,” Catra challenges. Adora shivers, finally pressing down, forcing Catra’s hips back against the mattress. Catra gasps, her entire body arching up as she instinctually tries to fight the pin. Her hips don’t move an inch, even as her legs shift in an aborted attempt at writhing, too restricted to do much more than shift helplessly against the sheets.

Catra tears her hands from the sheets, gripping Adora’s shoulders in an iron vice as she _glares_ down at her. The flush cuts the intensity only somewhat – the open desire in her gaze ramps it back up. “ _Move_ , Adora. I don’t like to be kept waiting,” is the order, this time. A new wave of heat floods between Adora’s legs, her whole body shaking as she finally raises her other hand to meet Catra, running along the length of her. The commanding expression falters and _falls_ , open desire and pleasure flooding Catra’s face as she throws her head back. Her hips try to twitch and Adora feels a thrill shoot straight through her core at Catra’s muscles flexing beneath her, trying to get _more_ , and the needy whine she releases when Adora does not give it to her.

Adora runs her fingers over Catra’s folds, reveling in how _soaked_ she is just from the buildup. Catra’s muscles twitch beneath her touch, another groan spilling forward from where Catra is collapsed against the pillows. Adora finally takes pity on her, finally gives in to the coil of need in her own gut, finally lets herself see her girlfriend writhing in pleasure – Adora finally presses in with two fingers, confident Catra can take it easily, worked up like this. She presses in slow, using the careful stroke she always uses to start, and Catra _hisses_ in frustration. Adora stills, panic gripping her as she starts to lift her weight from Catra before she interrupts her.

“Blue. Get _on_ with it, Adora. Fuck me already,” Catra growls, raising her head to _glare_ down at her again. Her entire face is flushed, her eyes blown out, and her breathing is coming in desperate gasps now despite the fact that Adora hasn’t _moved_ yet.

Relaxing from her momentary fear, Adora lets her weight come back down on her girlfriend, watching the sigh of relief that spills from Catra at her return, the way she relaxes beneath her. Slowly, Adora begins to rock her arm forward. She strokes into her steadily, ramping up the speed and intensity until Catra’s arms are _shaking_ , her claws digging painfully into Adora’s shoulders and sending a thrill through her. Catra pants breathy sounds, a litany of mangled attempts at Adora's name contained within the mindless sounds of need. Adora can feel her own heat burning between her legs, knows she has to be soaking from the satisfied desire that spreads through her at seeing her girlfriend like this, taking such pleasure in her touch.

Catra’s entire body is quivering now, hips twitching uselessly into Adora’s thrusts as she holds them down. Catra whines, high and needy, when Adora pauses between thrusts to change her angle so she can press her thumb down onto her clit as she works. Catra mewls, utterly lost, trying to rock her body down into Adora’s touch as she pants desperately. “Harder, Adora. Be good for me, take _care_ of me” Catra pants, the command in her tone tenuous under such wavering desire, but still present - barely. Adora _shakes_ , thrusting in with renewed speed, clenching her own thighs to deal with the building tension there. Catra keens, her entire body tensing beneath the increased pressure. Adora presses down firmly with her thumb on the next stroke, just to the left of her clit to keep it from being _too much_.

It is just enough. Catra’s muscles tense and _shake_ , her walls pulsing down on Adora’s fingers as she gasps and moans, head thrown back and arms flexing uselessly. Adora drinks in the sight of Catra writhing in pleasure beneath her, utterly lost in the waves of her orgasm. All that fragile control let go, her body taking over as it mindlessly works towards _relief_.

Adora slows her thrusts as Catra works through it, down to a slow, steady stroke by the time Catra is able to gasp for air again. Carefully, she pulls away, sliding her fingers out and lifting the pressure from Catra’s hips as her body stills, going limp against the sheets. As Adora slides up the bed, draping herself along her girlfriend’s side and pulling her into her arms, Catra’s eyes finally slit open to meet her gaze.

Catra looks _wrecked_. Her entire body is flushed, sweating, and trembling in aftershocks. Her hair is a mess from writhing against the pillows, and her gaze is completely dazed. A content rumble tumbles forward from her as she weakly nudges forward into Adora’s touch. Adora takes the hint, reaching out to shift Catra onto her side and pull her close.

“I love you,” Adora assures her, pressing a kiss to her forehead, because she is fairly confident Catra’s breathing is too ragged for a proper kiss right now. “Are you okay? Was that good?” she asks, voice soft. She knows the answer but – she still needs to check. Catra laughs, a slight disruption in the rumbling, and nudges in close against her.

“So good for me,” she mumbles in response. Adora feels her own gut clench painfully at that. She tenses her thighs just to keep them from trembling, biting down the whimper that elicits in her throat. Catra still hears it if her amused rumble is anything to go by. “Such a good girl, taking care of me,” Catra purrs against her throat, echoing her earlier commands. This time Adora _whines_ , feeling her eyes screw shut as she twitches down on _nothing_.

One of Catra’s arms, previously wrapping around her, trails down her side. Lazy, slow, but the trace of her fingertips sends a sharp thrill through Adora and causes her to whine again. She can feel her own slick spread across her inner thighs, wants nothing more than to touch herself and finally _release_ the tension but – Catra does not like it when she does that. She wants to be the one who gets Adora off, no matter how fucked out she is already.

Catra’s wandering hand finally meets Adora. It does not take long, she is already almost there just from watching Catra. Catra doesn’t tease her, immediately going to work against her clit as she presses light, affectionate bites against Adora’s neck and jaw, still panting. Catra has already found a spot below her jaw, near her ear, that drives Adora crazy, and she latches onto it happily. The purr rumbles between their chests, into Adora’s neck, and the overwhelming relief of finally having Catra’s hand on her is all it takes to finally push her over.

Adora feels the wave only a second before it hits, so worked up already she does not distinguish it from the cacophony of need inside her. Adora feels her body rock down, muscles tensing and then finally releasing as the pleasure rocks through her. She moans, gasping and restless as the waves rock through her. Catra quickly pulls her hand aside, moving it to rub steady circles just to the side as her orgasm makes her too sensitive for direct contact. It makes Adora’s breath come even shorter, sharper, as she instructively curls into her girlfriend, just wanting to be closer to the one she loves.

She regains control of herself, gasping and shivering in Catra’s arms. Catra has both arms wrapped around her, now. Adora squeezes her own loose grip on her girlfriend, drawing her closer as her breathing finally evens out. That _content_ purr still rumbles between them, Catra nuzzling into her neck.

“That was – I’ve been thinking about that since we were _cadets_ , Adora,” Catra gasps against her neck. Adora shivers, flexing her arms to pull Catra in against her a little tighter, for just a moment.

“Live up to your expectations?” she asks, a little smug in the absolute satisfaction in Catra’s tone. Catra growls against her, but it is one of her good-natured growls. Adora knows all of Catra’s tones. It did not take her long to relearn them, even after all this time. When she had tried to explain the difference in the quality of Catra’s different growls to Bow, he had looked at her like she was losing it, but Adora knows what she is talking about.

“ _Yes_ , Adora, it was amazing,” Catra assures her, despite the warning growl. Adora shivers, telling herself it is the aftershock rolling through her that makes her clench upon hearing the praise. Catra’s purr rumbles just a little louder as she pulls back, tilting her head up so they can finally kiss again now they both have remembered how to breathe.

“I love you,” Catra promises her, a mumble against her lips as she shifts to press closer to Adora’s body. Adora feels _content_ , relaxed from more than just the endorphins. All her life, she has suppressed her desires and needs, especially the ones related to Catra, but here she is, giving in to them, and the world has not ended. Not yet, at least. She would check on it in the morning, if so. Right now, all she cares about is cuddling her girlfriend, pressing soft kisses across her face.

“I love you, too,” Adora returns, hands running soothingly along her sides. Despite all her _hang-ups_ , despite all their history, despite an entire _war_ between them, she and Catra understand each other. Care for each other. Adora struggles, still, with letting herself _want_ , rather than just take what is given to her. Catra knows her and _offers_ where she knows Adora struggles, lets her have and slowly learn it is okay to want something, to then _get_ it. They compensate for each other, where they can and they understand how to.

They are a work in progress, but Adora can already tell, the finished result is going to be a masterpiece.

**Author's Note:**

> The second scene references my fic [“the only heaven i’ll be sent to is when i’m alone with you.”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25787383) That reference is brought up again in the shower scene. This fic initially started as an outline for a second chapter to it and then very quickly changed.  
> I gloss-over their first time because I have a whole fic on that called [“in these arms”.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340950)  
> Catra’s safe words reference my headcannon of her having feline colourblindness, resulting in her being unable to see red and pink, with only faded green perception. I have… [multiple](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25415800) [fics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25535140) about it.  
> This was mostly meant to explore Adora actually giving in to her desires after denying her basic needs for so long, but I’ll take Adora being a vers service top and Catra being a power bottom-inclined switch to my grave tbh and this was my treatise on that. Fun fact I recently saw a survey that just over 50% of queer women identify as switches!
> 
> This fic spans from right after the finale to almost 2 months later, with the events of the following work [“implications”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498135) starting after the end of this fic. Catra is still struggling with letting control go in this fic, although this is also just what they're in the mood for here, which is where [“the other half of you (exposure therapy)”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498135) comes in. That fic overlaps with this one, but has a longer timeframe.


End file.
